A Spotless Mind
Amy and I had an interesting conversation the other day. She asked me if I could choose to do these past 9 months over again, would I choose it again or has the pain and sacrifice not been worth it to me? Keep in mind that this was in the context of us discussing the numerous blessings and rewards we’ve gained from the experience. I told her, “Honestly, I often ask God…Why does it have to be Brain cancer? I would gladly take numerous other types of Cancer if I could choose. But to answer your question, I do feel that the pain has been worth the gain, especially when I get a clear scan.” Even as I write this post though, I do have to admit that I struggle with celebrating the clear scans when I know that there are guys like David and Darrell and Brad really struggling right now and my heart goes out to them and their families. They are heroes to me during this time of recovery and it’s also the legacy of guys like Mark Pace and others that I’ve met within the Brain Cancer community that have passed in recent months that have inspired me to keep fighting and advocating. As my oncologist showed me my MRI the other day, I could see that my wound (“Marilyn”) was shrinking and healing up. However, I felt a bit conflicted this time, because there is something that is both wonderful and troubling every time I see an MRI. It’s both a reminder of how far I’ve come and how far I still have to go. As I was looking at the MRI, I started thinking about my conversation with Amy and I realized that I’m not sure now how I feel about there not being a crater in my brain anymore. Of course I’d like to stop having to take anti-seizure meds but there is something cathartic about knowing that there is a visible symbol that still reminds me of the pain that created the gain in my life. I guess I’ll always have the scar on my head as that reminder and perhaps some other long term side effects that have yet to rear their ugly head. All of this pondering is also a reminder that I’ll never truly know what my life would be like any other way, because this is “The New Normal” after all and even as the spot in my brain goes away, my mind will never be spotless, which I choose to see as a good thing.
Thank you for your prayers for the MRI and please forward them on to the people I mentioned above.