Today I woke up with a familiar feeling. A feeling that most closely resembles the feeling you get after a heavy night of drinking (or so I’m told…never been much of a drinker). This feeling has been with me pretty regularly for 18 months straight now. But this morning was different because even though the sensations were the same, I knew that I will never have to put the source that creates that pain in my body ever again. That’s right, folks…I’m done with Chemo!!!

Surprisingly I have had mixed emotions about it. There is a part of me (a very small part) that liked the security in knowing that I was using a tried and true method of treatment that has been proven to greatly decrease the chances of recurrence (or at least prolong the years before recurrence). That part has been completely trounced, however, by the rest of me that is thrilled to know that I can now fully engage in the recovery process. Everyone has their different post chemo experiences and that is where prayer is greatly appreciated. Most stories I’ve heard from people have been very positive… but I’ve also met some people that have never fully recovered from it’s effects and in fact have found them worsen over time. My attitude with every new step is always the same, “All aboard the Hope Train”. What that means practically is that I plan to treat my recovery like you would a Chronic Illness. I plan to see it as something that I won’t let stop me from moving forward in life but at the same time see it as something to help give me patience and hold me accountable to always taking my health and wellness seriously. In a lot of ways I’m grateful for the reminder (or the “thorn”, if you will) that will always be there to help me prioritize my life in a way that promotes health and longevity and keeps the most important things the most important.

The timing of this is very interesting as the Moore’s are entering a definite “Transition Period”. Amy is leaving her current job and will be starting something new that we are very excited about (more about that in a later blog entry). I have some things in the mix as well. The steps we are taking right now (moving forward) require a tremendous amount of faith on our part. We feel very much like Indiana Jones in “The Last Crusade” when he steps off that cliff into the Abyss then lands on that invisible bridge. We are currently in that very brief moment where he’s going for it but hasn’t quite hit the bridge yet and I’m not going to lie… it’s freakin’ scary. I’m a pretty cool headed guy but I would be lying if I said that I haven’t been having moments of doubt and despair. Here’s the thing though… Amy and I know for a fact that the invisible bridge is there…Why? Because that is the human existence. We all take that step every day…some of us are more acutely aware of it than others. Most of us, however, have a false sense of security and that’s why we don’t realize that we’re even doing it. What Amy and I have learned through the long journey of treatment is that when you make yourself aware of that step of faith (that we’re all taking on a daily basis) every time you hit that bridge you get so much more joy out of life. You become more grateful for every day and for those around you. You even learn to be patient and loving towards people that don’t deserve it.

This idea is best summed up every time I talk to someone new and they hear about my journey (no matter the person…everyone says pretty much the same thing), they say something like, “I guess none of us are really ever secure…” (those of you that know what the journey is like, say the next part with me), “I could wake up tomorrow and get in a car accident and it would all be over.” It’s almost comical now for me to see people have that “eye opening” realization (just because it’s always predictable), but at the same time I’m excited for them to hopefully be transformed by that realization.

Here’s the thing, growing up as a Christian, this idea of living by faith has been drilled into me for as long as I can remember. Thankfully, I’ve come to realize that prior to my diagnosis I was actually living that way… but on an unconscious level. The problem with that is because it was buried so deep inside me I would constantly feel at odds with myself. I wanted so badly to be like King David and live with almost reckless abandon, but on a conscious level I believed I needed to embrace an attitude of “self reliance”. Self reliance in it’s purest form is a noble pursuit but the way I had been interpreting it was making me miserable and in a lot of ways, I think, opening my body up to becoming sick. If there has been anything I’ve truly gained throughout this treatment period is that I have been given the ability to free myself up from my own misery and live the way I want to live (and know is the RIGHT way to live) on a CONSCIOUS level.

At this point it can only get better from here, right? I do have a choice though. I can look at each passing day as one more day of life and one day closer to feeling better…or I can view each new day as one day closer to a recurrence and my eventual painful and agonizing death. Obviously, I choose the former, but the idea of the latter forces me into a place that can help set my priorities…It’s the whole, “if you knew you only had so many days, weeks, months etc, to live…what would you do with your time?” scenario. That is actually a pretty awesome thing when you think about it… and I guess my point is that even though the idea of it is scary and daunting, it is simply the reality of human existence (some of us just have it shoved into our faces in a pretty gnarly way), so why not become aware of it, embrace it, and step out in faith. That is exactly what Amy and I are doing from here (we literally have no security blanket at this point and are stepping into the complete abyss) and you’re invited to be a part of it with us. I speak for both of us when I say that we’re totally excited because we know this is all a part of the wild ride that we call “The New Normal” (I hope if you’ve stumbled upon this blog that you realize that this has nothing to do with that recently canceled NBC sitcom) and so far the rewards have far outweighed the negative.

A million thank you’s for still being with us and supporting us and praying for us. We’ve been blessed to know that by just being open and transparent it has been an inspiration to you. Couldn’t have made it this far without you.

Much Love,

Alex

P.S. That picture above is of my actual medication.

Reblogged from Burning Brightly:

• 

The Brain is the most important organ in our body and one that we, quite often, take for granted. It is the command center for absolutely every mental and physical function. I am able to type this blog post because a group of neurons in my brain are putting words together into ideas that hopefully make sense. :-) Some other neurons simultaneously break the words down into letters and send electrical and chemical signals to my fingers to type the appropriate keys on this keyboard.

Read more… 469 more words

It’s May, so pull out your Grey. May is Brain Cancer Awareness month! This is the month when the brain cancer community rallies and shouts to the mountain tops about the need for research and more resources for those that suffer from the beast known as Brain Cancer. I had planned to go to DC this weekend to participate in the “Head to the Hill” gathering to advocate on behalf of the brain cancer community (there is also the Race for Hope walk/run in DC which is probably the biggest awareness event there is) but I am bummed to say that I’m not going to be able to make it. However, I will be participating in the local brain tumor conference here at UCLA.

One of the things I discovered when I was first diagnosed was that because brain cancer is one of the rarest forms of cancer there isn’t the awareness and support that it needs and deserves. It’s one of those unfortunate diseases where it takes either yourself or someone you care about deeply to get it in order for it to become “relevant”. This is why it would mean the world to me if you show your support proudly this month in any way that you can.

It was about a year ago when I wrote a note on Facebook (posted below) expressing my frustration with the lack of awareness and my passion for getting us closer to a cure (or at least more effective treatments). I wrote it in a moment of raw emotion as I was reeling from hearing about the passing of David Pearson, a young man who I had grown attached to through cyberspace (his Mom had been reading my blog). The note was shared about 800 times and because of it and this blog I’ve met several other awesome people who are shouting the very same rally cry. It makes me smile every time I see someone post something on Facebook/Twitter/etc about Brain Cancer awareness. That simple status update or article makes a difference and that’s what is so awesome about the time we live in. We can hold something in our hand and in a matter of seconds be furthering the cause of millions of people who have suffered at the hand of this disease. I feel so blessed to have my wits about me and I think it’s fitting that I will be ending my last round of Chemo during this important month. Thanks for being here with me still…and don’t forget to wear your grey for me!

The Note:

Dear Human Beings,

Pardon my “passionate” language in this note but if you can please do me a favor, and send some love, good vibes, and prayers to Amanda Haddock and her family right now. Her 18 year old son David Pearson just passed me the torch to carry on his legacy of OBLITERATING THE SH** OUT OF BRAIN CANCER!!! By the way, there’s a lot that you can do other than just sending those (albeit comforting…but let’s be honest) intangible things. Actually the best thing that you can do is use your voice that has become so powerful in this day of social media and tell the world that you’re on board with the bold and tactical mission of OPERATION: “Annihilate Brain Cancer”. Honestly, if you truly care about good causes and people like myself who are dealing with this terrifying disease head on, then don’t be a timid jerk about it…Share this. Like this. Tweet it. Digg it. Pin it. Press it. Blog it.Whatever, I don’t care, just spread the word! I’m sick of losing fellow warriors like David, I’m sick of having to “grin and bear it” and act like I’m not scared out of my freakin’ mind every single day, and most of all I’m sick of people not knowing anything about this disease when it affects so many of us (and I know that I’m not alone in feeling this way). What’s it gonna take to make you spread the word?! Do we need to make a slick viral video and, just to be safe, throw in a couple cute kittens and laughing babies to make you care? Do we need to get some teeny bopper to wear some t-shirt on Letterman that says “OPERATION:ABC” to make you care?! Or are you like most of us where you have to have someone you care about get it, then suffer, then die?!

Two and a half months ago, The Invisible Children organization released a viral campaign and video that got 200 million views and now action is being taken to take down the leader of an “army” guilty of some of most disgusting and deplorable crimes in recent history (Invisible Children called it a social media experiment at the time). So here’s another experiment for you, for those of us who get Brain Cancer, the moment we get diagnosed we’re often told to just hang on and “live long enough” because a cure is just around the corner. Well a lot of us have lived long enough and there is still no cure. There are “treatments” available that usually include highly invasive surgery, high doses of radiation aimed directly at your head, and chemotheraphy, or in other words the aspects that are usually the hardest part of the disease to endure and don’t always work (in fact even after treatment, the chances of recurrence and eventual death are extremely high). Why did the Kony stuff make you feel so empowered to share the video with your friends? Was it the injustice? Was it because it involved kids? Well let me tell you something (and let me also emphasize that this is in no way intended to undermine the importance of stopping the atrocities in Uganda by capturing Kony) nobody knows what causes Brain Cancer and because it’s so “rare” there is not enough funding to figure out what the cause may be and what can be done to stop it. Brain Cancer kills, maims, and destroys way more lives than Kony ever has or ever will. In fact the exact amount of children that have been forced into slavery under Kony over the years is the exact number of people that will be diagnosed with Brain Cancer just this year alone. Where’s the justice in that? If it’s the kids you’re worried about, Pediatric Brain Cancer is far deadlier than any other form of Brain Cancer or even most Pediatric Cancers. Why is that not apalling to you especially if the cure is just around the corner? If posting a video can help bring a sick and twisted war criminal to justice then why can’t spreading this note bring a cure to one of the deadliest forms of Cancer (again, especially if the cure is “just around the corner”)? All I ask is that you take one second to stop updating your photo albums, baiting people into political discussions, or trying to start a Twitter feud with a celebrity and just repost/retweet/share this.

I don’t think the timing of David’s death is by accident either…this is, after all, “Brain Cancer Awareness Month”. I refuse to allow any more deaths to this awful disease go in vain. That’s why I’m not going to rest until I see this note becoming the next viral sensation (and trust me, you want me to rest because otherwise you will all be feeling the WRATH of my wife for keeping me up at night). I want to be getting phone calls next week from major news outlets desiring to do their part to expose this bullsh** disease and help us get closer to that cure that is “just around that corner”.

Sorry to come down on you so hard but I hope that you can understand my frustration. More importantly though, I hope that you can understand your power to influence others to create the changes needed in this world (if the Kony campaign is any indication of that power). This disease is crippling, painful, unjust, and sneaks up on you like the biggest fu***** coward there is.

(King) David, I am so thankful for Saints like you, man (as well as researchers, neurosurgeons, oncologists, and those that come along side each of us to help rid the world of Brain Cancer). We’re gonna carry out this mission for you, bud, and we’re gonna WIN! One day very soon we’re all gonna shout “Mission Accomplished” and realize that by doing the simple and monotonous thing of sharing this note (Welcome to the 21st Century), it not only led us to finding that cure that is “just around the corner” but it also led to breakthroughs in brain science that are gonna then lead researchers to a better understanding of all Cancers and degenerative diseases which will have a profound effect on all of us (because believe it or not we’re all going to have to deal head on with one or the other if progress doesn’t happen soon). Having said that, I am grateful though that you got to graduate and go to prom before you passed the torch. Just know that the torch you passed will always shine brightly because as long as there is injustice and disease in this world, those of us with compassionate hearts (and that’s the majority of us) will always be drawn to the light.

Sincerely,

“General” Alex Moore

Much Love,

Alex

Like many of you I was paying close attention to the Boston Marathon bombings this past week. It was an interesting experiment to try to track it all in real time. Amy and I came home from a concert last Thursday and were wired (because the show was so much fun…and we felt like we were totally hip and cool again) so we turned on the TV to “wind down” and it just so happened to be when the mayhem was starting (in tracking the suspects down). Three hours laters we finally went to bed. I had the TV and  my computer on and phone in my hand and was tracking everything. People near the action were Tweeting, Instagramming, and Facebooking. I would hit refresh on all three social networks just to get a sense of what was happening. It was interesting to watch the old information disappear and the new information appear. What I found was even though there was a lot of misinformation, I would hone in on certain bits of info that would become more and more solidified every time I hit the refresh button. I feel that that is a good analogy as to where I’m at right now.

As Brain Cancer Awareness month (and my last round of Chemo) approaches, I am keenly aware that things for Amy and I are changing quickly but the truth we hold dear is becoming more solidified. I knew it would take a miracle to get to where I’m at today but that miracle continues to become more fully realized as each day comes and goes. Holding on to a miracle requires an enormous amount of faith and trust and that’s not easy. The challenge (and the hope) is to continue to sink into that truth with confidence knowing that I’m going to have days where I hit refresh and it says “Error 404: Page not found” but in spite of that there will always be another opportunity to hit the refresh button with the reminder that there are still good things to come which reminds me, my next MRI is on May 1. Thank you for your prayers and good thoughts.

Much Love,

Alex

With the good news from the last scan that I will be ending chemo 6 months early, Amy and I have been basking in the gratitude and relief we feel. Now that we can literally see the light at the end of the tunnel, we are excited for things to come. We don’t know what those things might be but we are excited that we can even say that we are excited for things to come in the first place : ) Having said that, this was a rougher round of Chemo but (Dam it feels good to be a gangsta — “Office Space” reference) there are only 2 rounds left. I feel like I’m at that point in the race where you get that second wind because you know the end is near. Thanks for your prayers and support this far into the race and I ask for your prayers and good vibes for “things to come”.

Much Love,

Alex

After a fun few days in Seattle, I returned to LA to a happy wifey and just in time to have my latest MRI. It was one of the most encouraging appointments I’ve have had in a long time. Lately I’ve been feeling that I’d prefer to not do a full two years of Chemo if I can avoid it. Without me saying anything about this to my oncologists they insisted that I stop at 18 months because they don’t see a need for further treatment past that. They also don’t want to risk any further deficits from taking the Chemo for so long (especially if it’s not necessary). This all means that I will be done with treatment by June (Y’ay!!!). Thank you for your continued prayers and support and I insist that you take a moment to enjoy the “Homer Shake” on my behalf (because let’s be honest… you’re sick of all those Harlem Shake videos).

Much Love,

Alex

I’m up in Seattle for the weekend. Sadly though it’s for a memorial service for someone who was one of my best friends in high school and college. It feels unjust, unfair, and just plain wrong to be up here for that reason. My friend would be turning 33 today and it was a tragic unfolding that lead to his death and I’d rather not go into the details for the sake of protecting him and his family. The idea of what “fairness” means has been on my mind a lot lately as a result of everything that has happened in and around me these past couple years. It has also been a huge part of the public discourse for a while now, so it’s hard to avoid thinking about what fairness means. So I just wanted to share some of my thoughts on what it means to “be fair” if that’s okay with you.

“It’s not fair” has come out of Amy’s lips a lot throughout the Cancer journey and I agree with her because I know what she means by it. She is not saying anything about justice or equality, she is basically just saying that the situation we’re in sucks and is hard. “Fair” is a word that means something to each individual that says it and I believe it takes a real maturity to use the word in the way that it is meant to be used. An obvious example of the misuse of the word is when a child doesn’t get what they want and they say “that’s not fair” and then immediately throw a tantrum. What the child is getting at though is a “feeling” of injustice and that right there is what creates the friction in conversations about fairness. Fairness is really just a feeling like happiness, sadness, anger etc. I’m not someone who can ever bash feelings because I am a definite “feeler”. What I think the problem with discussing fairness (or at least what creates the friction) is that feelings can only belong to the individual who feels them and that makes it nearly impossible to really discuss something objectively.

In politics you have one side that uses the word to emphasize the importance of creating opportunities for all individuals and the recognition that we all start life with advantages and disadvantages and some individuals have far more disadvantages than the majority of us because of multiple reasons. They also believe that certain individuals with a fair amount of advantages are rigging the system to their benefit which ends up throwing everything out of balance. When they’re using the word fairness they believe that it is a way to take steps to recalibrate the system back to a way that we will all eventually benefit from. The other side feels that by focusing on what the opposing side believes to be “fairness” you are actually not being “fair” to anyone because you are not creating incentives to move beyond those disadvantages and instead weighing down the “freedoms” (another subjective word) that grant all of us the opportunities for “fairness” in the first place. Again, I believe when discussing ideologies, everyone is really just debating feelings which will always become a futile effort.

I’m starting to believe that a mature understanding of fairness is understanding that there is no such thing as fairness. Fairness, like happiness and sadness is a subjective feeling that is defined by you when you say it. The only time I will use the word now is when I’m communicating with someone that understands what I’m trying to say when I use it (like when Amy says “it’s not fair” to me). I’d like to see the word disappear from public debate because I see it as a great deterrent in effective communication. There are better words that we can use that are not so subjective.

A way to sum up my thoughts on fairness is with an encounter I had with my 6 year old nephew the other night. My brother and I were trying to help wind him down to bed and the deal we made with him was that we would read him a story before he had to go to sleep. There were still toys out around the living room that needed to be cleaned up and put away. We told my nephew that we would not read him the story until he cleaned up everything. He asked why he had to clean up the toys and my brother said that it would be a great way to make his mommy happy. My nephew responded with “Why should I do it for Mommy? How ’bout I’ll clean them up if you read me another story.” My brother responded with, “We’re a family who loves each other unconditionally so that’s not how we do things.” My nephew responded back,”I love conditionally because it’s more fair. I do something for Mommy and you do something for me.” I said to my Nephew, “You’ll understand some day why it’s better to love unconditionally.” I realized in that moment that LOVE (which is only unconditional) proves that there is no such thing as fairness. There is no “you do this for me and I’ll do that for you” in love. There is no need for equal opportunity in love. There is no injustice in love. Love is not just a feeling that can be defined subjectively. Love just “is” and the feeling of fairness can only be truly understood within the context of love and it’s only in that context that it can be used and understood maturely.

Being at the memorial service yesterday was a great lesson in fairness for me. I loved my friend and he was loved by all of us that were there. It’s not fair that he’s not here anymore and it’s definitely not fair the way he died and only those that loved him or love me can know what I mean by that.

Speaking of fairness, I have my next MRI on Wednesday March 6 at 9 AM. Even though it’s super unfair that I have to do this for the rest of my life, I would greatly appreciate your thoughts and prayers for a Clear Scan!!!

Miss you Tristan!

Alex

“I’m too young” was my first thought when I was diagnosed with Brain Cancer.  I have to say that I do appreciate it when people say to me, “you’re too young” and I appreciated it also when people would say it to me after my dad died. It’s not so much the words I’ve appreciated, it’s more the sentiment. It demonstrates the understanding of the uniqueness of the cards I’ve been dealt (Click here to see another blog post about just that). The sentiment also acknowledges the challenges that these events have put in front of me. What the sentiment doesn’t do nor can ever do is take away the fact that my dad died (and that I was diagnosed with Brain Cancer) and there will always be days like today because of that fact.

I’ve lived way more of my life without my dad than with my dad, but everyday when I look in the mirror I see my dad. Every time I look at my hands I see my dad’s hands. Every time I watch a comedy (especially The Pink Panther films) I can hear my dad’s laugh in my head. He still lives on in ways like that. It’s days like today, however, that I miss my dad and wonder how differently my life would be if he were still around. It’s days like today when I remember that Amy never got to meet him and that makes me sad.  It’s days like today when I wish I could’ve known my dad in an adult context. It’s days like today when I wish that I could call him up and tell him that I love him.

It’s also days like today that I’m grateful for my dad and the time I had with him and the fact that he was committed to being a loving and invested father to my two older brothers and me. It’s also days like today where I’m grateful for the support I had growing up that got me through those tough times when I needed my dad the most. It’s days like today where I’m reminded that’s its good to grieve and to not stuff my emotions down. Most importantly though, it’s days like today in which I allow myself to grieve (open the “spick-it”), that I’m reminded (via Amy, my family, my friends, and you) that HOPE dominates fear, that GRACE ruins despair, and that LOVE conquers all and that’s why I’m always so grateful for days like today.

It will be a day like tomorrow February 26 that I will celebrate my dad’s life. He would’ve been turning 73. Happy Birthday Dad!!!

Thank you for letting me purge,

Alex

During this latest round of Chemo I discovered that the phrase “Do not be afraid” appears over 365 times in the Bible. That means there is a daily reminder to…well…not be afraid. With all the chaos going on in the world it’s super easy to be scared. When I turn on the news and surf around the internet, I find many reasons to be afraid. I also see that lots of other people find many reasons to be afraid as well. Here are some examples of things that I’ve seen and heard on repeat the last couple months: “The world is ending “, “Our economy is imploding “, “Our society is going into the crapper”, “the Zombie Apocalypse is coming and the government is gonna take away our guns so we can’t defend ourselves against the undead”. If you choose to believe all this stuff then those are valid reasons to be scared. Recently, I personally have had some people I know within the Brain Cancer community discover that they may have a dreaded recurrence (the thing that we all fear as Cancer patients). Of course that leaves me feeling unsettled, but does that mean that I should be afraid? I think everyone would agree with me with a resounding “NO”. Does that mean I should remain vigilant? Sure.

I’m finding in my own journey that there is a very fine line between being afraid and remaining vigilant, because in a lot of ways they feel the same (especially because I like to believe that I’m taking a “proactive” approach to life). I’ve discovered that it really comes down to a simple question. When I’m feeling anxious or even very heated about something, I ask myself, “Why are you feeling this way? Are you afraid?” I’ve learned that 99% of the time my answer is “yes”. I actually see that as a good sign ’cause it means I’m human. To me, remaining vigilant means that I acknowledge the threat, but choose to trust in Hope. There is no room for being afraid if I trust in Hope. I often wonder what would happen if those of us who are embedded in a culture of fear (and I think that is most of us), chose to put all our trust in Hope, instead of resting on our laurels.

When I ponder that, I can clearly see the world (Kingdom) that Christ so often described. I truly believe that the Cynics, the Jaded, the Snarky, the Too Smart for Their Own Good, the Elitists, the Doomsday Preppers, the “Culture War”mongers, the Know-it-Alls, the Loudmouths, the Greedy, the Materialistic, the Judgmental, the Bigoted, the Sycophantic, the Apathetic, the Perverted, the Absent, the Power Hungry, etc. would not be able to get a foothold on anything if all of us took to heart the sage advice, given to us by our Creator and Redeemer, of “Do Not Be Afraid”.

Happy Valentine’s Day,

Alex

10. Prometheus

“The question “why?” is what makes us human…and also, like all of the “Alien” movies, never trust an android.”

9. Les Miserables

“Man’s relationship with Grace is best summed up in a song (well…several songs)”

8. Lincoln

“Not much has changed in politics”

7. Skyfall

“Don’t you dare blow up a man’s Aston Martin.”

6. Zero Dark Thirty

“What do we do when the things we reach for to give us purpose hit a dead end? Also, don’t ever get in the way of an obsessed red head.”

5. The Master

” Trying to fix ourselves (or others) eventually becomes a futile effort, and drinking paint thinner is bad for you”

4. Moonrise Kingdom

“Fairy tales come from real life.”

3. Django Unchained

“Everyone, no matter how the world views them, has their mountain to conquer”

2. The Avengers

“View your wounds and the strength you gain from them as a “terrible privilege”. Also, don’t underestimate people in costumes.”

1. The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

“Those unexpected journeys we end up on often reveal to us the strength we always knew we had, but somewhere along the way chose not to believe. Also, don’t underestimate little people with hairy feet”